When You're Gone
by aquagirl520
Summary: With the antidote gone, Ai gave Conan a choice.


**Another oneshot I decided to type up. It was originally written in Chinese during one of my classes. This isn't a song fic. The title is called what it is because I had Avril Lavigne's 'When You're Gone' stuck in my head the whole time I was writing. Enjoy!**

Disclaimer: I do not own DC.

**When You're Gone**

Dusk painted the sky with pastel streaks of rose and lavender; few stars have already risen in the sky. The last remaining rays of the sun rested against the horizons, unsuccessfully trying to warm the snow covered streets, and casting the shadows of the four children long and far.

Three of the children ran ahead, discussing the newest episode of their favorite show, all the while rubbing their mittens together to bring warmth back to their fingertips.

A few paces behind them trailed a girl with short strawberry blonde hair. She looked oddly out of place in the group. Her gaze was on the ground before her, her bangs hiding her eyes. Small casual movements of checking her watch and her way of speaking, all contradicts the way she looked. Her eyes, visible when she turned to give the sunset a mournful smile, especially showed that she was anything but an ordinary little girl.

The other kids stopped to wait for her to catch up. All three looked worried for their friend. She forced a smile to show that she's all right.

_Someone was watching her._

She spun around, scanning the almost empty street. Her posture tensed, gaining alert and wariness.

No one met her eyes. No black cars or suspicious characters.

"Ai-chan! What's wrong?" Ayumi asked. Ai gave a start and realized that they were ahead of her again.

She smiled to herself, relaxing a little. She was still so paranoid, even after the syndicate was destroyed.

"Sorry," she muttered, catching up with the others.

But someone _was_ watching her. His back pressed against the wall around the corner to avoid being seen, Kudo Shinichi ran a hand through his jet black hair and sighed, closing his eyes in reminiscence.

* * *

_A year ago_

Rain fell in heavily outside, filling the air with the heavy scent of moist earth. Raindrops drummed continuously on the roof of Agasa Hakase's house in a loud, steady rhythm.

Conan lay on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling. Occasionally he would sit up to surf through countless dull gray channels that were unable to get a signal in the storm, or flip through the mystery novel that he had already finished over three hours ago.

He was bored out of his mind. Hakase was ruining dinner in the kitchen, with too much on his mind for a conversation. Haibara had locked herself in the lab downstairs again.

"Kudo," Ai called, halfway up the stairs. "I need to talk to you."

"Something wrong?" He asked, standing. She had been acting strange lately, but still he hadn't seen her look so serious in so long.

She looked as if she barely heard him, and instead, motioning for him to follow, pushed open the door to the lab.

It took his eyes awhile to adjust to the lack of sunlight. He saw Haibara rummage through the drawer of her desk; she took a long time, though the bottle her hand eventually closed around was in the front.

Wordlessly she handed it to him. It was an old aspirin bottle.

He stared at it, confused. "Um… I don't have a headache."

"It's the antidote." She said. He was surprised the sentence wasn't accompanied by a sarcastic comment. Then the word 'antidote' registered in his mind.

His jaws dropped. "The antidote, really? The permanent one?"

"It's pretty much perfected. There are still risks, but I suppose you'd take any risk to get back to her, ne?" She smiled. Conan failed to notice the absence of the faint teasing laughter that always comes with her smile when she says things of that sort.

He dismissed the risks without a second thought, delirious with happiness. "That's great! Thanks so much! Does Hakase know? Do you mind if I break the news? We're turning back!" He looked happier than Ai had ever seen him in the year she'd known him.

He was almost to the door when she called out.

"Kudo…" The hollowness of her voice made him turn around, his smile fading.

"What's wrong?"

"Be careful with it. That's the only pill I plan on making."

"What? Why?" Didn't she want to turn back?

She bit her lip. "Like I said, the compounds used for the cure are dangerous. I thought I came close to a breakthrough, and I needed a human test subject. You took so many temporary antidotes already I was afraid another test would kill you, or prevent you from taking the antidote when it's done. All the lab rats I tested on all recovered well enough, so…"

A flash lighted the room momentarily, followed by the rumbling of thunder.

Conan's eyes widened as the truth dawned on him. "You tested the antidote on yourself…"

She was silent for a long time. "I passed out. And when I'd come around, I was still a kid. But when I took my blood sample later on, I" She swallowed. "…The drug erased every trace of apotoxin from my bloodstream. There's no poison to revert. I can't turn back."

"Haibara…" His mind went blank, refusing to digest what he just heard. He couldn't believe what she was telling him. The antidote was finished. He was ecstatic that he could turn back, but Haibara had paid the price. That baka… why… "I'm sorry…"

"It's just as well, I suppose." She said lightly, doing her best to appear indifferent. "The Shonen Tantei wouldn't be able to bear losing both of us all at once."

He didn't know what to say. It felt like his brain had frozen solid. "But… you…"

"I never had a decent childhood. Now I'd get the chance." She wasn't sure who she was convincing, him or herself, but she knew that she didn't want to see the guilt and pity that was in his eyes as he stared at her, dumbstruck.

"But…"

"I don't mind, really… I've always been happier as Haibara Ai."

They stared at each other in silence. Both tried to say something. Both failed. Only the muffled sounds of rain could be heard.

"What are you two doing down there? Dinner's almost done." Hakase's voice called from upstairs. Neither gave the impression of hearing him.

"I'll… go tell Hakase then." Conan said at long last, turning.

"Kudo."

He turned to face her again, startled to find that her voice was trembling.

"I…" Ai bit her lip hard. She was no good at this. "…Remember what I said when Ran-san lost her memory?"

_If only I could lose my memory too, being in the organization, making drugs to kill, Neechan dying…if only I could forget everything and just be Haibara Ai, a normal first grader… and that way, I could be with you… like this… always._

He nodded blankly.

"I meant that." She could feel tears in her eyes, and she turned slightly to hide them, blinking hard.

He was stunned, gaping at her in stupefied silence.

She looked up to meet his eyes.

"I love you."

The words hung there. The silence that followed seemed to stretch on forever.

She thought about forcing a laugh. Say she was joking.

But a single tear slid down her face; she was unable to hold it back. Too tired to hold it back. Even someone as dim as him wouldn't believe her if she said she was kidding.

"I know I shouldn't say this, especially not now. But I…" She faltered.

"Haibara…"

"I wish you could stay."

Her voice came close to a plead. Behind her eyes was the faintest glimmer of hope.

_Stay… please…_

He stared at her, lost for words, at the girl before him. The girl so different from Ran. The girl he never sorted out his feelings towards.

He looked down at the antidote in his hand. At her.

The last time they would stand like this. Edogawa Conan. Haibara Ai.

"Gomen."

He saw, a second before the door closed, the dam burst. Tears flooded, from the girl who always stayed strong. Leaning against the door, he heard her sobs.

"Shinichi? Is something wrong?" Hakase had come downstairs to investigate, lines of worry creased in his forehead.

He wanted to turn around, to say something. But he couldn't confront her.

Without a word, he dashed past Hakase, who gave a cry of surprise and called after him. He ran outside, where the rain allowed no other sound, drowning out everything: the confusion in his mind, her choked sobs, and most of all, the glimmers of hope diminishing in her cerulean blue eyes.

* * *

"Shinichi!" He gave a start as someone called his name.

"Ran." He said, dazed, his mind still on the memory.

She looked worried. He tried to smile reassuringly. It turned out looking like a grimace.

"What are you doing here? Heiji and Kazuha are waiting for us." She was slightly out of breath, as if she'd been looking for him for a long time.

"Sorry, I lost track of the time." He said apologetically, taking her hand in his. He had forgotten about the other detective's visit.

"That doesn't sound like a certain detective I know." Ran teased. "Hurry, Kazuha said they made dinner reservations."

"Bye, see you tomorrow Ai-chan!" Ayumi said, waving.

Ai managed a smile in return. "Ja, ne."

"Hakase? I'm home." She called, hanging her coat by the door, and did her best to brush snow from the doormat.

"Oh, Ai-kun." Hakase greeted, poking his head from a strange contraption he was building. "I forgot to buy groceries this morning. Do you mind picking something up? I already ordered."

She set her schoolbag down. "Sure, I'll get my purse."

"It's dark. Be careful." Hakase said, in a way of habit rather than an actual warning.

She nodded, stepping outside again. The sky was clear, and the full moon shone, bathing the streets in silvery light. She gazed up at the soft light. It was remarkable, how even though one's life had changed drastically, everything seems to go on, oblivious. Sunrise to sunset. New moon to full.

* * *

_A year ago_

Hakase frowned. Worried lines seemed to have etched themselves deeper on his face in the past week. "Are you sure you want to go, Ai-kun?"

Ai adjusted the sash behind her light blue dress, borrowed from Ayumi, without answering. Hakase sighed, picking up the wrapped bottle of wine they were bringing to the party next door.

A refreshment table had been set up in the dining room. The coffee table had gifts piled upon it.

Almost everyone in the third grade of Teitan High School was present, laughing and talking in small groups. The guests especially crowded around a certain detective, welcoming him back to Beika, and asking where he'd been the past year.

"Hakase, Ai-chan, come in!" Ran said, smiling brightly at the new guests. The faint sorrow behind her eyes that Ai had always noticed before had vanished, and she had never looked happier.

At Ran's exclamation of Ai's name, Shinichi looked up.

Their eyes met.

Ai fisted the fabric of her dress, forcing herself not to look away. The moment will come sooner or later, and she might as well get it over with.

She walked forward, enough to show that she was addressing him, and smiled. A seven year-old girl's smile. "I'm Haibara Ai. It's nice to meet you, Shinichi-niisan."

He flinched at the last word, staring at her with an expression she couldn't read. He opened his mouth to say something, but only a whoosh of air came out.

Smiling again, Ai turned to go, her nails digging deep crescent shaped marks on the palm of her hand.

"Haibara—"

"Ai-chan!" Ayumi exclaimed, running over to her friend. "The dress looks good on you!" she commented, before going on breathlessly.

"Isn't it nice for Yukiko-san to throw this party for Shinichi-niisan? Genta-kun and Mitsuhiko-kun wanted to go explore the attic, want to come?"

Ai let Ayumi pull her along, putting on her best act of a cheery conversation, forcing herself to smile and laugh, pretending she hadn't heard him call her name.

She did not break down because of him. She scolded herself sharply. Really she didn't. It's not her to be attached to someone. She'd live fine before they met, hadn't she?

"Shinichi!" Ran said. She linked her arm with his. "Eisuke-kun's here. He's been saying that she wanted to meet you."

Out of the corner of her eyes, Ai could see their fingers intertwine, and the blush on their faces when Sonoko teased them, and she felt a lump rise in her throat. Hakase was right. She shouldn't have come.

She pulled her arm from Ayumi's grasp, keeping her head lowered because she knew her eyes are red. "Gomen ne. I have to go."

"But didn't you just get here?" Ayumi asked, but Ai was already making her way through the crowd. "Ai-chan?"

"Ai-kun?" Hakase said as she passed him.

"I'm just leaving early. I'm fine." She insisted, her voice sounding desperate and she knew it.

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked gently. She shook her head.

"I'll be alright. Don't worry."

* * *

The sound of people shouting made her look up from her thoughts.

"Heiji!" Kazuha yelled. "I can't believe you left our luggage on the taxi."

"He did apologize…" Ran said soothingly, trying to calm her friend down.

"And you were the one who left all the bags with me because you wanted to go shopping!"

"Are you trying to say it was my fault?"

"Ow! Kudo, defend me here!"

But Shinichi was no longer paying attention to them. His gaze was focused on the strawberry blonde girl a couple steps away. She looked determined to walk past them unnoticed.

He wanted to call her name, but he didn't want to see her strain to act like a kid in front of everyone again.

Many times he made excuses to go to Hakase's wanting to talk to her. But she always wore the same flawless imitation of a little girl's smile as she did at the party. Then Hakase called and told him not to come again.

He didn't want to hear her call him 'Shinichi-niisan' again, didn't want to hear the waver of her falsely bright voice as she strained to keep up the pretense.

Ai passed them, thankful that the Osaka boy and his girlfriend were arguing, allowing her to pass without being noticed. She hugged the bag in her hands closer for warmth, and quickened her pace.

"Haibara!"

She turned in surprise at the sound of his voice.

He caught up with her. She couldn't see the others around the corner, but they don't seem to be waiting for him.

"Is something wrong, Shinichi-n—" Ai broke off with a sigh. "I'm sick of acting, Kudo-kun. What is it?"

He glanced at the bag she's holding. "Picking up dinner?"

She nodded.

"…Is it okay if I walk with you? I told the others I had ask Hakase something."

Ai nodded wordlessly.

They walked alongside each other in an awkward silence that Ai finally broke. "They miss you a lot, you know. The cases we're taking lately have been limited to lost cats."

Shinichi smiled wistfully. The Shonen Tantei was definitely one of the things he missed about being Conan. "Bet you wouldn't mind that. And you?"

She looked at him, contemplating for a while before answering softly. "I miss my partner."

"…"

"What? Kudo Shinichi not knowing what to say for a change?" she said with a smile. A real, familiar smile, laced with sarcasm but still warm. Her smile.

"… Me too. It took getting used to, working alone again."

Another long silence followed.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

She looked at him, bewildered.

"Back then. I should have… I don't know… said something? Anything but running away."

Ai sighed, an unexpected smile turning up the edge of her lips. "It didn't matter. Nothing would have changed. I knew what your answer would be, I just..." She didn't finish, looking up at the sky in thought. "You're happier with the antidote. It's true, I see your expression in the newspapers," she added when he opened his mouth to protest. "You'll miss being Conan, but you can get over that. You can't get over being Kudo Shinichi if you stayed."

"Yeah, I guess that's true." He admitted.

They reached the front of Hakase's house.

"Well… I have to meet them for dinner…" Shinichi said. "It's good to see you again."

She nodded. "Yeah, you too."

She found her keys, and turned to push the door open.

"…Haibara."

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay if I call you sometimes? I know we're not supposed to know each other and all, but on the phone…"

"Sure." She said, surprising herself. "I'd like that."

* * *

"Kudo, what's with that grin on your face?" Heiji asked, when Shinichi finally showed up.

"I met an old friend." He answered simply.

He could talk to her again. Things might never go back to the way it was, but it's a start.

* * *

"Hakase! Dinner!" Ai called, setting the bag on the dining table. She opened the boxes of fried dumplings held closed with rubber bands, and laid out two pairs of chopsticks.

"Thanks, Ai-kun." Hakase said warmly, glad to see that the strawberry blonde is wearing a rare smile on her face. "You look happy. Something good happen?"

She loves him. That much would never change. But she's content with being his best friend. She's glad she told him, offered a choice. It made it just possible that she'll get over him.

"I think so." She said evasively. "I guess this is what…closure feels like."

If Hakase was confused, he didn't let on. "I'm glad to hear that."

~End~

**Please r&r! I swear my next update will be memories!**


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